…om föräldraskap och föräldraledighet

Idag ska vi kontakta några nannies för att se vad det finns för möjligheter till barnpassning. Löser det sig så börjar jag nog jobba lite igen lagom till att Harry blir sex månader. Trots att jobb och barnpassning går nästan på ett ut ekonomiskt.

Jag vet – det låter helt bisarrt. Om man inte jobbar för inkomstens skull, varför kan man inte vara hemma med barnet istället?

I Sverige finns en stark norm som säger att man mamman ska vilja vara hemma med barnet så länge som möjligt. Sakargument som lyfts fram har ofta med amning och anknytning att göra, men det finns samtidigt ett lager som inte grundar sig i argumentation utan har mer med att det ‘känns fel’ att göra.

(Som i den här tråden som jag råkade sitta uppe och läsa till klockan ett en natt.)

Och faktiskt – de flesta mammor som jag känner här och som jobbar heltid, de ammar. Före och efter jobbet, på helgerna, på natten, och ibland kan den som passar barnet också ta med det till jobbet för att de ska kunna amma. Däremellan får barnen bröstmjölk på flaska, och mammorna pumpar på jobbet. Det är lite besvärligt förstås, men med bra rutiner så går det.

Anknytningsargumentet är lite knepigare, särskilt som det är en psykologisk inriktning som är ganska omtvistad i olika sammanhang. Men om vi håller oss till själva argumentationen så är det intressant att vikten av ‘anknytning’ under det första året lyfts fram på olika sätt beroende på vad situationen är. Är det mamman som inte vill vara hemma med barnet det första året, då blir det ett problem. Skadligt. Förkastligt. Om det är pappan* beklagas det ofta. Trist, liksom. Men de där exemplen om hur barn växer upp till missbrukande kriminella som aldrig kommer att kunna ha en varaktig relation med någon annan, de brukar inte plockas fram lika ofta. Vill pappan vara hemma men ‘måste jobba’, då är det sällan som det framställs som särskilt problematiskt (annat än att det är synd för honom själv). Är det så att det handlar om att mamman inte har möjlighet att vara hemma med barnet – om hon är sjuk till exempel (‘måste jobba’ accepteras inte när det gäller mamman) – då gör det heller inte lika mycket, tycks det.

Anknytningsteorin som argument är därför synnerligen impregnerad med föräldraskapsnormer. Det handlar inte bara om vad som ses som bra och vad som ses som problematiskt för barnet (detta kan man förstås diskutera) – utan den vikt som tillskrivs synsättet tycks tvärtom variera beroende på hur väl föräldern i övrigt lyckas passera som en ‘bra’ förälder. Det är ungefär som med alkohol under de första graviditetsveckorna – om du medvetet dricker alkohol då så är du en barnmisshandlare som villigt riskerar ditt barns välmående, men om du inte visste om att du var gravid, då gör det inte så himla mycket.

Jag säger inte att argumenten kring amning och anknytning inte har sina poänger. Det är klart att de har. Men jag tror att i de flesta fall så är föräldraskapsnormen viktigare än själva sakargumenten när man pratar om vem som ska sköta om barnet om dagarna. Logiken blir då att om man inte vill vara föräldraledig så vill man inte bli förälder, och då borde man heller inte bli det. Föräldraledighet och föräldraskap moderskap har kommit att bli oerhört tätt sammanlänkat i Sverige. Den som bryter upp den kopplingen riskerar därmed att få sitt föräldraskap moderskap ifrågasatt.

* Förlåt för heteronormativiteten. Det förenklar diskussionen, och jag vet heller inte så mycket om hur förväntningarna på föräldraskap och föräldraledighet ser ut när föräldrarna har samma kön. Om ni har erfarenhet av det, så berätta gärna!

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549 thoughts on “…om föräldraskap och föräldraledighet

  1. Ja du. Det är inte helt enkla frågor det där. Men ändå. Att göra det som känns rätt för dig, din man och barnet måste ju någonstans vara det rätta. Eller? Jag har själv bara varit ledig de första 8 månaderna med våra barn. Sen var mannen hemma och sen jag igen lite. Vi varvade det där ganska så bra tycker jag. Jag har själv läst anknytningsteorin och blev förskräkt när jag insåg hur mycket min son måste ha lidigt:) Jag tror att alla efter den där föreläsningen gick hem med en klump i halsen och kramade sina barn lite extra. Sen insåg jag att det där mest har att göra med de barnen som inte blir sedda, som inte visar ömhet och kärlek. Jag kan bara konstera utifrån mitt jobb och alla de underbara ungar jag träffar under dagarna att er livssituation och val ter sig som rena drömmen för många av de barn som jag träffar på dagarna. Kärlek, värme och omtanke. Man kommer ganska så långt på det som förälder. I Sverige ska man snart inte jobba för att slippa undan det dåliga samvetet. På vår förskola finns det inte en unge kvar efter 16. Märkligt. Jag fattar inte hur folk får ihop allt. Hus, bil, semester, hämta ungarna 15, vara ledig alla lov och gud vete allt. Men vi stressar varandra. Kram och lev livet som ni vill!

    • Tänk – vilken personaltäthet som finns sena eftermiddagar då! Ha! Ska jag tänka på när/om vi flyttar till Sverige igen. Det är ju tydligt att det är DÅ de ska få vara där, barnen.

      Nej men seriöst. Tack för din fina och uppmuntrande kommentar! Självklart är det viktigt med närvaro, ömhet, kärlek. Och det bekymrar mig att föräldraledighet för en del kommit att stå för dessa saker, för det är verkligen inte självklart att de hänger ihop. Men jag önskar att vi också kunnat byta av varann, och min man önskar det förstås ännu mer. Men, saker är som de är och då får man anpassa sig efter det.

  2. Jag tror att man ska göra det som funkar för sin egen familj. En lycklig förälder är troligtvis en bättre! Att en förälder är hemma med sitt barn, betyder inte per automatik att den är “närvarande”.

    • Precis! Jag önskar att det var lite mer fokus på den biten – kvaliteten på tiden man spenderar med sina barn. Därmed inte sagt att det inte är viktigt att spendera mycket tid med sina barn, det är klart att det är, men jag tycker verkligen inte att det måste vara i princip all vaken tid.

  3. Du vet ju hur jag har gjort och mått. Hemma med första barnet höll jag på att gå under och riskerade hela äktenskapet då jag blev en riktig skaaata. Och hur jag sen hittade mitt sätt först med R och sen med de andra. M var med mig på jobbet varje dag när L gick sina förmiddagar på dagis – och hade roligt med sina kompisar. M sov. Och sen gick vi hem. Och var lugna och trevliga och hade hunnit dricka kaffe med några vuxna. Har de lidit? Ja, det får vi väl veta i vuxen ålder, när de kan sätta ord på sina upplevelser på ett genomtänkt sätt. Men min teori är att de inte har farit illa. Att det var mest synd om den förste. Det är inte säkert att det är så MYSIGT med en mor som är grinig. Faktiskt så tänker jag att jag ska sätta mig själv MER i första rummet. Och visa mina barn att en UPPOFFRANDE inställning inte är vägen.

    Hmmm.

    • Kanske är jag lite grann en skata också. Någon sorts fågel är det i alla fall… ;) Och det är klart att det inte blir så bra ur barnens perspektiv. Hur kul är det att leka med någon som inte vill? Men när jag gjort annat under dagen – då vill jag. Och då blir det ju roligt och mysigt, för oss allihop.

      Jag visste inte att det var så jobbigt för dig under tiden med P (jag var ju inte så himla stor), men har alltid tänkt att det verkade så fint och bra att dela på dagarna så att en jobbade förmiddag och den andra eftermiddag, som ni gjorde. Jag är lite ledsen att vi inte kan göra så.

  4. Så otroligt aktuellt ämne för mig som är höggravid. Men jag hejar på dig – SJÄLVKLART ska du göra det som känns bäst för dig. Minns en bok jag läste, vad hette den nu? Handlar om en feminist som reser själv till Kanarieöarna och lämnar sitt barn hemma med pappan. Hon blir ifrågasatt HELA TIDEN, för hur kan hon som mamma vilja ha lite ledigt?! Hela den här inställningen är så skev, att man som mamma inte “får” känna vissa saker och måste gå upp i symbios med sitt barn. Om jag bara kunde komma på vad bokjäkeln hette… :)

  5. Att det går på ett ut betyder ju att du och barnpassaren har ungefär lika bra betalt, att er tid är lika mycket värd. Och det låter väl rimligt?

  6. Gud vad vi håller på och skuldbelägger varandra och speciellt kvinnor (generellt sett alltså), speciellt när det gäller moderskap. Det borde ju vara tvärt om!!! Varför är det bara mamman som ska anknyta med barnet? Och måste man göra det 24/7? Man kan ju vara hemma med barnen utan att anknyta med dem, det är ju inte det som avgör. Jag var ledig i 10 månader och nu är maken hemma (också i 10 månader), inte för att jag promt ville gå tillbaka till jobbet (fast jag hade absolut inget emot det) utan för att han ville vara hemma. Hoppas ni hittar en nanny ni gillar! Kram

    • Eller hur! Men jag försöker tänka att alla (okej, inte alla) som håller på så någonstans vill barnens bästa, det är mest det att vi ser lite olika på vad det faktiskt är och hur man ska göra. :) Tio månader var låter ju jättebra!

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