…om att andas, och att andas i takt

Efter en dag då jag liksom söndermanglats av barnskrik, missnöje och trots från både höger och vänster – då jag somnat i soffan redan vid halv åtta och inte lyckas öppna ögonen förrän A stoppar in en sked med Ben&Jerry’s Phish food i min mun dryga två timmar senare – då jag burit och vyssjat och sjungit o aj aj aj aj buff och blåst på barnknän och torkat upp spilld yoghurt och trampat på legobitar och läst Curious George visits a toy store sju gånger i rad och andats forcerat och lyssnat på julmusik bara för överlevnadens skull. En dag då jag möter A i dörren med ett varför skaffar man barn egentligen kvart över fem.

Efter en sån dag så läser jag den här nyhetsartikeln och känner saker som jag aldrig känt förut.

Ilska skulle jag alltid ha känt; lite lagom upprördhet och hopplöshet sådär. Så där kan man väl inte göra. Ni vet.

Men nu griper det tag i mig, och jag gråter, och vill springa in och lägga mig i spjälsängen i mörkret så jag får vara nära nära. Så jag får andas i takt och hålla fast mjukt men ändå hårt. Jättehårt. Det gör ont i bröstet och i magen och utomhus är det alldeles svart och hotfullt. Och jag tänker på andra barn som är ensamma och utlämnade och just tappat den lilla trygghet de kämpat till sig. Som ligger utmattade i mörkret med ont i bröstet och vill andas i takt med någon som inte är där längre.

Och det var den sista skeden Phish food, dessutom.

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